LIFE ON THE ROAD

Being on the road has its ups and downs.  Here are a few things that happen to or around me that break up the monotony of the constant travel.

For an audio clip from the road, CLICK HERE-> 

October 3 - Hays, KS

Welcome to a small town right in the middle of Kansas; the kind of town that made Dorothy and Toto want to take the first tornado out of here.  Doing a show in a hotel, and the fine treatment from the people in charge is top notch - dare to ask anyone if the comics get even a slight discount on food or drinks, and the answer is always "Your room is free."  Like no other show in the country comes with a room, we should bow down and thank them for that.  Being a restaurant/bar, the front tables are all stuffing their faces during the show, but hey - there was a black cowboy with a broken hand there, maybe he got in one too many fights for being the only black cowboy in Kansas.  I went up the street to another bar afterward - a karaoke bar that obviously used to be a strip club, based on the half-circle row of chairs directly surrounding the stage and DJ booth.  The first local Idol-wannabees I see is the intriguing combination of a goth chick and a one-legged cowboy in a wheel chair singing Ozzy and Lita Ford's 'Close My Eyes Forever.'  This irresistible combination of talent and song chosen of course inspires people to get up and slow dance to them.  After an hour or so in here,  I was outside trying to hitch a ride on the next possible tornado.

August 8 - Iowa City, IA

Walking a couple blocks to the club when the sky opens up and a rainstorm of biblical proportions begins to fall, soaking me and everything I've got with me.  Kinda hard to hear the comics onstage when they're drowned out by booming thunder.   And, you know it's raining really hard when you hear a guy walk up to another guy at the bar and say - "I'm soaking wet, feel this."   As always, the club gets busier AFTER our show when it becomes a dance club - nothing like a couple drunk people slow-dancing to 'Baby Got Back.'  It's nights like this that I realize in the comedian/crowd relationship, the comedian is definitely the stereotypical 'girl' in the relationship - sure, you'll have fun with us for a night, and promise to call and email me the next day, but of course you won't.  And, I'm guessing that by next week, you'll already be seeing another comic and will have forgotten all about me.

July 27 - Morgantown, WV

On the way to a show, I stop at a Sunoco station to fill up on overpriced gasoline, when I notice some contest forms on the pump that say 'Pull Out To Win.'  There's words to live by - is this a contest or birth control advice?  What's first prize - not having a whiny brat following you around for the next 18 years?  Second prize - making her sleep in the wet spot.

July 11 - Lincoln, NE

A rare night home, just chillin' and watching TV, when I see that Shaq O'Neal has a new reality show, meaning there's only a dwindling number of us on this earth who don't.   In this piece of televised excellence, Shaq tries to whip six fat kids into shape.  Wow, way to aim high - you make $30 million a year and have a network TV budget, and you can only find SIX fat kids?  Go to any Dairy Queen in America, I can point out ten in the first five minutes.  At this rate, you'll solve the obesity crisis in 800,000 years, big guy.  And how does he get them into shape?  Does he threaten them that if they can't do a sit-up, they have to watch 'Kazaam' again?

May 17 - Texarkana, TX

In the middle of a couple shows at country bars in Texas - yee hah!  While listening to the music, I noticed one thing about country songs - people drink real drinks - Budweiser, Jose Cuervo, Jack Daniels.  I don't think you'll ever hear a country song about people getting mildly buzzed on Rumplemints.  Ain't no bar fights breaking out after Peach Schnapps and Jell-O shots.  I was talking to some locals, one was a girl named Sam.  I knew this because she had a tattoo above her breast that said 'Sam I Am.'  I think that's a brilliant idea.  Ladies - if you never want to complain about a guy forgetting your name - tattoo it on your breast.  And, while you're at it - put it on your ass too, just to keep your bases covered.  One annoying thing - while on my way to town, I see a trooper pulled over on the right shoulder of the highway.  I do the courteous thing and go into the left lane and go around him.  The cop pulls out, chases me down, and pulls me over, saying I didn't signal when I changed lanes, with no other cars around, and the only time I changed lanes was to go around him.  He writes me a warning, and says they're trying to cut down on road rage by making sure people follow the minor traffic laws, but if you ask me - cops chasing down people and wasting their time for crap like this might just tick them off and CAUSE road rage!  This cop won't be making it on 'Walker Texas Ranger' anytime soon at this rate.

April 17 - home, for a change

March 10 - Cocoa Beach, Florida

January 18, 2007 - Muncie, IN

December 21 - Sioux Falls, South Dakota

I had lunch at the fast food chain Hardees, home of the 'thickburgers.'   Hardees had a scratch-off game, where you could win a Harley, but the website you had to check to see if you were a winner was ‘thickandwide.com’ So I’m on the road, using hotel computers to see if I won, which means anyone who uses the computer after me sees the list of sites I visited and thinks I’m some kinky porn freak.  Thanks, Hardees!

November 18 - Minot, North Dakota

My shows this weekend were in a big hotel, and the hotel also had a number of banquet rooms, with various functions going on.  As I read the signs, turns out one of the banquets was for the 'Homeless Coalition.'  Which makes me wonder - how exactly do you get those people organized?  Where do you mail out the invitations?  And come on - their lives aren't bad enough, you have to have their convention in frozen North Dakota in November?  But I hung around, and it was actually a fun party - open bar.... all in paper bags, of course.  The host said "We're having a buffet dinner - line forms by the dumpster out back.  Fill out your raffle tickets, grand prize is a 52" TV... box.  Second prize is a new shopping cart from Wal-Mart, and the door prize is... a door."

October 20 - Macon, Georgia

So here's how my luck has been going lately - I'd love to get a new videotape of my show, to send to the bookers, and to produce a DVD with.  Finally playing a really nice club that will give me a good shot to get a great tape.  One problem - the club has the stage totally decked out for Halloween, so that when I step on stage, it looks like I'm working Disney's Haunted Mansion.  Still had a great week here though, guess I'll just have to find another club to tape my HBO special from.

October 5 - somewhere in Minnesota                                       

Driving once again through the state where every puddle on the side of the road is considered a lake, I pass a big RV store.  The store's sign happens to read BLOWOUT SALE.  Is 'Blowout' really the first word you want coming to people's minds when you're trying to sell giant vehicles that tip over easily?  You don't see an airline commercial saying - "Come to Delta - our prices have taken a fiery nosedive into a mountain."  Or - "Stock up now at Trojan condoms big Hole In One Sale!"

September 23 - Port St. Lucie, FL

Sometimes things actually turn out pretty well on the road.  I booked a couple weeks in Florida to get a bit of a working vacation and some much-needed beach time, even though the pay wasn't that great.  Turns out - the last weekend of shows are at a Club Med, so we get to stay there for free the entire week.  Free food, free drinks (!!!!) all week long, lots of fun-in-the-sun activities to do all day long (and free drinks!), and a great staff that was paid to have to be nice to you all the time (did I mention free drinks?)  The shows went great there, and they loved us, so hopefully I'll be back there soon and often.  The only problem - the place was overrun by insects they call 'love bugs', which are actually two bugs stuck together at the butt region doing it... constantly... day and night, all the time.  Now, I like sex, but I don't think I'd want to go around stuck to my partner 24 hours a day.  And you know, one of them is always thinking - "We always have to go where you want to go."  Worst part - I get back to my room, late at night, and see just one love bug, all by himself, looking up at me all lonely, and you could see him thinking - "Hey there, heard you couldn't find a girl either - wanna hang out?  You think you have it bad, everyone calls me the 'let's just be friends' bug."

September 2 - Odessa, Texas

Welcome to Odessa, home of 'Friday Night Lights', and where they apparently don't need them the rest of the week.  While wandering around the local shopping mall, I noticed that it's actually home to one of their local TV stations - with a complete news desk, reporter stations, and weather computers - all behind a big glass wall for everyone to see and stare at.  That's gotta be a rewarding place to work.  The poor weather guy is at the computers writing up the weather, and kids are walking by banging on the glass like he's a monkey at the zoo.  I'm sure there's lots of great journalism coming from the mall too, what top-notch reporter wouldn't want to work there?  "Tonight's top story - big sale on fart machines at Spencer's Gifts!  Now for sports, we go to Gary at Foot Locker."

August 21 - Somewhere in Wisconsin

In the middle of yet another nice, short drive from Cleveland, OH to upper Minnesota.  You never know what you're going to see driving through the middle of nowhere; minutes after passing a ranch consisting of a herd of buffalo and one camel, I drive past a self-made billboard, made up of a few boards slapped together.  I'm not exactly sure what this guy was trying to protest, or what point he was trying to make, but the sign said - "Abortion.  40 million babies will never... pay social security."  Is this guy anti-abortion, or anti-social security?  Is he mad at the government and somehow envious of these poor babies who won't have to spend 50 years of their lives having too many deductions taken out of their paychecks?  Or is he afraid the whole 'we're all going to hell' argument isn't enough to ban this, so he's going with the ever-more-important 'bankrupting social security' angle to bring about a change?  The world may never know.

July 14 - St. Louis, MO

Sometimes things actually work out well in this business.  My booker picks this particular weekend to send me to the new Laughs on the Landing Comedy Club in downtown St. Louis.  As I find out later, Better than Ezra - one of the best live bands around, is doing a free show near the Arch in the early evening, which I have just enough time to hit before cleaning up for my show later that night.  Then on Saturday, my LA Dodgers are in town to play the Cardinals, also within walking distance, it was a nice sunny day at the ballpark.  Unfortunately, the story can't have a happy ending, the Dodgers lost that day, due to some loser named Albert Pujols, I hadn't heard of him, but I think he might turn out to be a decent ball player.

May 20 - Malta, Montana

At the end of a two-week trip consisting of 8 towns and over 2,200 miles, not including the 800 mile drive home, and finally a club that treats us well!  Gas prices are going through the roof, and no one pays the comics more to make up for that, yet many little clubs still don't think we deserve even a discount on a beer or two, or a bite to eat.  Note to any club owners/managers - please make us feel loved.  We don't just magically appear at your door ready to perform - it costs us a lot to get there.  Tossing us a burger and/or a beer or two can makes us happy, and when we're happy you get a better show, and then you sell more drinks and you make more money.  Thanks to the great folks at the Stockman's in Malta making us feel appreciated, we need more places like this on the long, never-ending road trips.

April 21 - Norton, KS

A little public service ad for everyone - tequila can kill you.  During a show here, the crowd sent up a tequila shot, with a huge lime wedge on the rim.  I reached back and slammed the shot, didn't see the lime, thinking it had fallen off.  It had actually fallen into the shot glass.  Of course, I start choking on it.  And, of course - the crowd thinks it's part of my act, and starts laughing their collective ass off.  "Look, he's turning blue - this guy's good!"  "Look at him flopping around, he's really committing to the joke."  Luckily, I didn't choke to death, though I couldn't help but get the feeling that I disappointed a few crowd members by living.

April 14 - Grand Junction, CO

Here's an example of how well we comedians are treated in the world; the amount of respect we inspire.  I drive 12 hours to this western Colorado town, with my comedian/magician friend Jeff Castle along to be my opener.  We arrive at the club, and instead of his name on the sign as well, this is what we see.  To make things worse, the club didn't have enough letter I's for the sign, so they had to tape up the bottom of a couple L's to use instead.  But, at night, when they lit up the sign, the L's once again magically appeared.  I told the club if they just used his name, they wouldn't need any I's at all, but oh well.

                                           March 31 - Gibson City, IL

Here's the backstory - I live in Lincoln, NE - great college town, 250,000 people, but whenever I tell anyone on the road where I'm from, it's always - "You're from Nebraska?  You have indoor plumbing there, hick?"  It's like I said I was from Butt Munch, Arkansas.  So I'm in this "quaint" Illinois town, pop. 786, I check in at the bar mid-afternoon, and an old drunk lady asks where I'm from.  When I say Lincoln, of course she comes back with - "Ha ha, Nebraska."  Yeah, real cultural Mecca you have here, Aunt Bea.  You're drunk at 4 pm in downtown Hooterville, but I'm the hick.  But I have to admit, the reason people think we're hicks here is that every time Nebraska has a nationally-televised football game, ABC drives miles away to a cornfield, cranks up the banjo music and says "Welcome to Lincoln, Nebraska.!"

March 20 - Somewhere in Iowa

Driving home after another long road trip, I stopped at a rest area in Iowa.  I noticed a sign above the vending machines that read - 'Vending machines maintained by the Iowa School for the Blind.'  Huh?  I'm all for giving people opportunities, but how do they know which can goes in which slot?  I don't want to plop down $1.50 for a Pepsi and get shaving cream.  And how do they get out to the rest area anyway?

January 26 - Erie, PA

Working again at Jr's Last Laugh - another fun weekend at a great club.  Driving around town, I noticed that Erie is a very insecure city - there's billboards everywhere saying things like - 'Erie - lots of places are cold in the winter', and 'It's ok to like Erie', and 'Erie - at least we're not Youngstown.'  I was afraid on my way out of town I'd see one that said - 'Erie - please don't leave me.'  And it was freaking me out; I started thinking every billboard I read was an official Erie billboard.  The worst was when I saw one that said - 'Pregnant and scared?'  I'm thinking - that's really inappropriate, how is that supposed to promote this town?

January 1, 2006 - Port Huron, Michigan

Happy new year again everyone!  Another banner New Years Eve for me - worked a Damon's restaurant where they never do comedy, which means the stage was a couple milk crates slapped together with a tablecloth on it, a spotlight made up of small track lights directly overhead, and a camera to show us on the big screen TVs, also directly above us, so we looked like we were on the 7-11 security cams.  When I got there and sat at the farthest table back by the bar, the bartender said those tables would be in use, and us comics were welcome to sit at the very front table near the "stage", because "no one will want to sit there."  The small crowd was scattered throughout the room, because it was more important for each waitress to have someone at her section than to have any illusion of an actual audience sitting remotely close to the front.  Still, the crowd was fun, the show went well, and the drinks were free, which to me usually eliminates most of the negatives about any place.

December 29 - Topeka, Kansas

Worked a little dive bar, where the fliers for New Years said they were serving "horderves and champaign."  They put me up at this hotel around the corner, and calling this place a dump would be an insult to those huge places where truckloads of garbage end up.  Parking lot was deserted, but the old lady at the desk took 10 minutes to decide what room to put me in, choosing the farthest room down, where I had to park and walk up a small hill to get to it.  I asked if they had high-speed internet in the rooms, and she looked at me like I asked if they had a teleport chamber. By the time I unloaded my stuff, the heater had stopped working, and when I jiggled the cord, sparks shot out from the outlet.  I called the desk, and the old lady says - "I can put you in the next room, but it's got no phone."  I loaded everything back up, went down to the desk, and another 5 minutes later, she chose another room, again walking up a hill.  I asked about the rooms you could pull right up to, and she said - "Those have kitchenettes, they cost more" and wouldn't give me one, like the place was suddenly going to fill up.  Good thing the TV and mini-fridge had giant, painted stenciled letters with the hotel name on them, I really wanted a souvenir to remind me of my night in that place.

Sept. 30 - Cedar Falls, Iowa

Went to see the movie 'Serenity' today - it's a great movie, and everyone should go see it, because if everyone does, they'll make another one, and I'll be happy, and no one wants to see me unhappy for too long.  I go to the movies a lot on the road, which always seems to baffle some people - "You went to the movies by yourself?"  What, it's not like I couldn't get a date to the prom.  "You went by yourself?"  Well, I'm 800 miles from everyone I know, so yeah.  Would I be less pathetic to you if I loitered outside the theater begging strangers to sit by me?  What is the obsession with having someone sit with you at the movie?  You can't talk to them, unless you're every idiot who sits behind me.  And why is it only at theaters?  If you go to Blockbuster and rent a movie, you won't hear the clerk say - "You're not going to watch this at home by yourself, are you ?  Loser."

Sept. 22 - Cleveland, Ohio

Working the Improv again, always a great club.  However, be damn careful with your cars in this part of town - so nice to get out to my car and see that someone had punched a hole in the passenger door under the lock, broken in, gotten into my trunk and stolen my golf clubs, camcorder, and my entire inventory of comedy CDs.  What were they thinking - don't they know my CDs are worth a lot more if they're all personally autographed?  And special thanks to the Cleveland PD, who made me wait two hours before finally showing up, barely getting out of the car, saying they won't do anything at all to investigate, and then adding - "Are you going to make a joke about this in your act tonight?"  Yeah, because it's really funny now.  How about you actually get your butt out of the car and dust for prints or something, Grissom?  But, don't worry, my CDs are back in stock now, check out my ORDER CDs page to help a broke comic recover from this sad loss.

Sept. 3 - Jacksonville Beach, Florida

Working a great new club - the Atlantic Theater Comedy Club, in Atlantic Beach.  It's just after Hurricane Katrina, so naturally it's a rough week for a lot of people.  However, there's a big sign in the hotel lobby that reads - 'Hurricane evacuees - ask about discounted amusement park tickets.'  Great idea - we just lost our house and our jobs, we may never get to go back, but we can save $10 at Disney World?  Wow, that makes it all worthwhile.  But, finally found one tiny positive aspect to the hurricane aftermath - a lot of the beer in the area that usually gets shipped to New Orleans had nowhere to go, so there was cheap beer to be had at gas stations up and down the street, it's like Christmas came early.

Aug. 12 - St. Louis, Missouri

Staying at a motel while working the Comedy Forum in west St. Louis.  I noticed something I've seen at other hotels before:  I'm in the lobby, on the first floor, waiting for the elevator.  I notice a sign, by the elevator, on the first floor, that reads - 'Incase of fire, use stairs.'  Um, I'm on the FIRST FLOOR!  If there's a fire, I'm not going up!  I can already hear the newscast - "Big fire at a hotel today - everybody escaped unharmed.... except for 20 people on the first floor, found dead in a stairwell."

July 22 - Medford, OR

First of all, another reason to never stay at a Motel 6 - I couldn't hook up my VCR because the TV would not physically go to either channel 3 or 4, and all the front desk could say was - "Well, we used to have a master remote that could do that, but someone gave it out to a customer, and we lost it."  But, the club has us stay there, so we have to stay there, even though there's 2 different hotels right next door that are better and would cost them less.  But, if I bring that up to them, I seem difficult, and I don't get booked back.  Anyway, the night ended up at a karaoke bar attached to a Chinese restaurant (big surprise there).  This place was the capital of Bizarro-world, the world's biggest collection of freaks this side of 'Carnivale.'  An attractive young woman hanging all over not one, but two, slobbish old guys old enough to be her daddy, a couple that looked like extras from 'I Am Sam' clinging to each other and making out on the dance floor, a 50-yr. old white guy in a letter jacket and one white glove singing the lyrics to 'Thriller' to the music of a Lionel Richie slow song, and a cocktail waitress who's seen much better days, dressed in a black sequined formal gown, with bra straps sticking out from all around, black boots, and black full-length stockings.  This woman was not a fashion wreck, she was a 12-car pile up.  Someone please play 'Closing Time' so I can get the hell out of here.

May 24 - Sparta, Wisconsin

Welcome to small town Wisconsin.  Supposed to have a 7:30 show at a nice looking night club converted from an old movie theater, but no one is at the club except for the staff.  We wait and wait, no one ever shows up.  We wonder why, then finally go outside and notice the marquee.  Click on the photo to enlarge it to see if you can guess why no one showed up.  

                                         May 20 - Bettendorf, Iowa

Working at Penguin's, a great club inside a casino in the Quad Cities of Iowa.  Friday night, the club has a big male strip show after our show.  Of course, hordes of drunk, salivating, horny women show up - always nice to see the women line up at the comedy club to NOT see comedy.  Hanging out at the bar with the other comic, soon the show starts as does the screaming.  We go to the door to peek in and see what the fuss is about - a group of Swayze wannabees dressed in half-vests and hot pants, dancing on chairs to Tina Turner's 'Proud Mary.'  A woman walks by on her way in and says "Take notes, boys."  Yeah, that'll be my new approach - oiling up, dressing like a gay biker, and disco dancing on a chair.  "Take notes," how rude.  Like if I see a woman walk past a crack whore on the corner, I'll shout out - "You learning anything?  Picking up any tips?"

April 1 - Colorado Springs, Colorado

Happy April Fools day!  Working at Loonees Comedy club again, and after the show, people take us to this little dive bar around the corner from the club.  You know the type - the kind of bar where everybody knows you're lame.  Inside is a herd of overly-unattractive women all wearing clothes 5 sizes too small.  They all get up and start dancing to Usher's big hit song "Yeah," and I realize that if Usher had seen them, the song would go something like "NO NO NO NO NO."

March 26 - Houghton, Michigan

Doing a bit of sight-seeing up in the northwest part of the Michigan UP, basically Wisconsin north.  Out for a nice, relaxing drive, going a bit fast, and of course one of Michigan's finest (and I use that term in the highest grade of irony).  Long story short - he would just feel really bad the rest of the day if he didn't send me away with a speeding ticket.  He says I'm doing 69 in a 55, but acts like he's doing me a huge favor by writing me up at 60.  When I call later to find out how much the fine is for going 5 over the limit- $95.  When I ask how much it would've been if it had still been 14 over the limit - $105.  The moral is - if you're going to speed through Michigan, you might as well go as fast as you possibly can, it's basically the same price.  For contributions on helping me pay this ill-deserved fine, see my ORDER CDS page.  

February 24 - Council Bluffs, Iowa

Welcome to comedy hell.  Tonight I worked the darkest, most run-down dive bar on the planet.  This place was the 'troll that lives under the bridge' of bars.  I always thought it was a joke when people would refer to this town as Council-tucky, but now I see they were being generous.  The bar was a biker bar where no one could afford a bike; a trailer park with a liquor license.  We felt we were being punished as soon as we walked in the door.  Dark and smoky, everyone was drunk when we started, at 7:30 pm.  The MC was a blind guy that needed a guide to get 10 feet to the stage, and the role of loud, drunken heckler was played by the bar's own bouncer.  The MC was also a musician, so being blind I guess he didn't notice that no one was in the room when he was playing after the show.  Luckily, we got out of there before 'Dueling Banjos' could be heard.

January 15 - Erie, Pennsylvania

Working a great club - Junior's Last Laugh - in Erie.  Here's why nothing ever goes right if you're a comedian - you have a great weekend in a nice comedy club, and one night - you have to go on stage during Overtime of the Steelers game.  The owner had to physically push people away from the TV and into the showroom before sending me to the stage.  After 10 minutes, I had to say "Look, I'm sorry.  I don't want to be watching me now either.  I've seen me, I'm not as good as overtime."  Luckily, the Steelers won, so the comics were allowed to leave with their lives.

January 12, 2005 - Terre Haute, Indiana

Driving into town, there was one of those giant, gas-guzzling Hummers in the lane next to me.  I looked down, he had one of those specialty license plates that you get to support a cause.  Not making this up - the license plate on the Hummer read - 'Environment.'  What does the front one say - 'Destroy?'  That makes about as much sense as the fact that Mississippi lets you get plates that say 'Education,' (where you can also get plates of your favorite NASCAR driver, which explains a lot) or if they let Michael Jackson get plates that say 'Children First.'

December 31 - Ann Arbor, Michigan

Happy New Year, one and all!  I spent my new year working an Applebee's wannabe, and since they had never done a show, the sound system sucked and the thought of a spotlight had never occurred to them.  It would've been a great night to be a ventriloquist, because it was too dark to see my lips move.  Never thought I'd look back fondly on spending the previous New Year in Butte, Montana.

December 21, Dickinson, North Dakota

Ahh, North Dakota in late December, every comic's dream, I know I'm on the road to success now.  Nothing like driving 12 hours in subzero temperatures for a few bucks and hopefully a couple tequila shots.  Talking to the locals after the show, told an attractive girl that she looked like Ashlee Simpson, and she freaked out - "Eww, I hate her."  Relax, I didn't say you WERE Ashlee Simpson, I'm sure you can... sing.  Ashlee maybe be a no-talent, studio-made hack, but she's still hot, just say thanks and walk away.  You'd think I told her she looked like Gollum from 'Lord of the Rings.'

November 26 - Winona, Minnesota

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!  I spent my Friday night working a bar in the middle of nowhere in the middle of Minnesota.  Here's a recipe for a great comedy show - don't charge a cover, and give the crowd $5 all-you-can-drink for four hours before the show.  Gee, I'm sure the crowd will be totally well-behaved, great listeners, and not heckle the comedians at any time.

November 14 - Seattle, Washington

Just wrapped up the first (and final, for me) week of the Seattle International Comedy Contest.  Competed against a terrific group of comedians, from LA, Portland, Seattle, San Diego, Vancouver, and New York.  I didn't end up winning the contest, so the rest of you had better turn out to be famous, so that I won't spend the rest of my life thinking I lost to a bunch of nobodies.  Congratulations to Gabriel Rutledge, who did end up winning the contest.

October 9 - Anniston, Alabama                         

Ahh, Alabama, the beautiful south.  If you've never been down south, I highly recommend it - there's nothing like the feeling of superiority you get by simply crossing a state line.  The Civil War is still a big topic down here, or as they call it here - "That ongoing thing."  People wonder where we get this impression of the south as being filled with extras from 'Deliverance', but went to the mall here - it finally hit me that I was in the south - their mall actually has a store called 'NASCAR and Knives.'  Yee freakin' ha.  Incase you're ever in the mood for a 12-pack of Schlitz and a SWORD.  Could you be any more hick than that?  Might as well call it 'Moonshine and Sister-humping.'

October 1 - Minot, North Dakota

Ahh yes, three nights in fabulous Minot, ND.  Because you know - you just can't see the whole town in 2.   If you look on the map, there's a spot nearby that reads - Geographic center of North America.  So, you can honestly say that Minot is truly the middle of nowhere.  Passed a car on the highway - the first three letters of his license plate read - GWM - which if you ever read the personals, stands for Gay White Male. I'm thinking - man, that guy must get rear-ended a lot.  What's worse - he was driving a Probe. 

 September 28 - Albertville, Minnesota

Working in a sports bar in a small town near Minneapolis.  It was the first show they did there, so naturally, there were a few kinks.  The club's only spotlight was this Bud Light spotlight, aimed at the black curtain behind the "stage."  Basically, it was the Bud Light Bat Signal.  The light comes on, and you think - "Someone is in need of a beer.  We must go!"  The best part is - when you stand in the middle of the stage, the U and the G would appear right in the middle of your face.  I'm guessing Seinfeld doesn't have to have nights like this where he works.

September 8 - Myrtle Beach, SC

Nothing like the feeling of looking forward to a week in the sun, basking on the beach all day and working a great club every night, only to have the week get here and a hurricane is passing close by.  Hard to relax at the beach when there's 40 mph winds and birds keep flying by... going backward.  Thought I still got a decent tan, but it was just extreme windburn.  Working the Comedy Cabana - great club, great people there, hope to get back soon and often.

July 23 - Tarpon Springs, Florida

Working a Comedy Zone room in Palm Harbor, Florida, near Tampa, took a drive to the nearby town of Tarpon Springs, a tourist trap area with restaurants and souvenir shops selling sponges and sponge-related objects.  People kept coming up to me - "Hey, can I have a dollar?"  "  Will you buy me a beer?"  "Can I crash on your couch?"  It was freaking me out, then I happened to see the big sign - 'Tarpon Springs - Sponge Capital of the World.'  Suddenly it all made sense.

 May 23 - Albuquerque, New Mexico

Working at LAFFS - another great club - with the very funny Kevin Jordan.  Sunday was comics' day out at the ballpark, watching the Albuquerque Isotopes, named after the team on 'The Simpsons' - my kinda team.  I decided to be the one person rooting for the other team to aggravate everyone, and Kevin spent the whole game heckling players from both teams.  Yes, comics live for the chance to be the heckler whenever they can, instead of the heckle-ee.

April 10 - Brownsville/South Padre, Texas

Working a weekend club in Brownsville, way down on the southern tip of Texas, on the Mexico border.  And such a short, wonderful drive going through the entire state of Texas.  Did you know you can drive 12 hours, all in the state of Texas, and still not see... a reason to live.  Very smart kids down here though - I saw a bunch of five-year-olds - all speaking perfect Spanish already.  I wanted to go see that movie 'The Alamo,' but was afraid everyone in the theater would be rooting for the wrong side, and think it had a happy ending.  Decided to walk over to Mexico for a while with one of the other comics.  Totally excited about experiencing a new culture, a completely different way of life.  Crossing the bridge, what's the first thing I see?  A giant billboard - WAL-MART.  Muy Bueno.  We went to a little corner bar for a couple cervezas, this old hag comes up and sits on my lap.  I'm a little rusty in my Spanish, but I'm pretty sure I'm now married to a 40-year-old Mexican hooker.  But, me and Miguel are quite happy now.

April 3 - Peoria, IL

Working the JUKEBOX COMEDY CLUB - another great club - with the great Bobcat Goldthwait.  Still funny as hell, and a great guy to kick back with, hope I have stories like his someday.  Again, sold out shows all weekend - all because of me, I'm sure.  Bonus - there's a nudie bar right next door, where for some reason the waitresses wear less than the dancers (not a good thing - there's a reason they're not the dancers).  Get the club owner drunk, have him bring you here, get him to buy you late-night lap dances.  When can I come back?

                                  March 26, Broadalbin, New York

Working a club in the middle of upstate New York called the Funny Farm, which is actually shaped like a big barn.  The comics get the luxury of staying in a small apartment above the bar, with one of the club managers, who smokes pot all day and regales us with stories of his time in a Jamaican prison.  Gee, I wonder why I'm not sleeping well here.

March 4 - Winnemucca, Nevada

 Working a casino here in this small northern Nevada town.  The impressively new hotel        rooms on premises give you one electrical outlet for the entire room, conveniently located  behind the dresser.  I try to move the dresser to plug in my VCR, to learn that the dresser is BOLTED TO THE WALL!  Is this a problem here - people stealing the furniture?  "Lost $20 on the slots, I'll show them.  I was just going to steal the TV, but the TV was bolted to the dresser, so what could I do?"  It's not even possible to get these things out the door - they're huge.  "Hey, grab that 15-by-4 foot duffel bag, we'll walk this thing right out the front door.  Just act casual."  Also great to see that rampant patriotism has reached the land of cheap brothels - the casino restaurant proudly serves Freedom Fries, and of course, Freedom toast for breakfast.  I'm sure our troops thank you every day.

February 21 - South Bend, Indiana                                    

Working the FUNNY BONE - great club - with Jeff Dunham and his cast of characters.  I'm not usually a fan of ventriloquist acts, but this guy is terrific, the best at his art - and is a great guy as well.  But, I still say every show was sold out because of me.

January 24 - Scottsbluff, Nebraska

Working a small weekend room in west Nebraska, where the entire alcohol selection consists of a whole cooler full of Michelob products.  When I ask if comics get a discount, the response is - "No, just like I can't give you a discount out of the pop machine."  That's right - their entire soda collection consists of - "There's the pop machine."  The club also has the genius idea of promoting "family comedy," encouraging people to bring their bratty kids, no matter how young.  Bonus to the brilliant, considerate parents who brought the newborn baby and sat in the front row.  Yes, nothing makes you feel your career is taking off like getting heckled by a nine-year-old.  Also learned you can't say the word "ass" in the local fishwrap - I used the word 'smartass' in an interview, saw it printed in the paper as "smart (aleck)."  Thanks, Janet Jackson.

January 1, 2004 - Butte, Montana

Ahh, New Years in Montana.  Nothing like ringing in the new year 1200 miles from family and friends, doing a show for a couple dozen drunks with goofy hats and noisemakers.  Saw a woman with a giant white full-length fur coat and matching boots, thought somewhere there's a shaved polar bear crying "Damn it's cold!"  Went up and told the woman she was great in '101 Dalmatians.'  And nothing like the relaxation of driving five hours each day from town to town in a blizzard, knowing if you don't make it, you don't get paid.  But on the plus side - plenty of time to enjoy the great scenery while you wait for someone to pull you out of a snowdrift.  Thanks, polar bear.